Why should we speak before having sex?
Or enter any other kind of sexual/sensual encounter.
Many people, and I was just like that in the past, treat sexual tension and desire as a fragile thing. They try to ride the waves of passion, without speaking, out of fear to ruin the momentum.
As if a momentum is needed in order to kiss, hug, undress or make love. The downside is that this way, there is a lot of white noise in the background. In the form of questions like; Was it okay for her that I touched there? Is he enjoying this? With or without a condom? When was he/she tested? He went down on me, does he expect me to give him a blowjob? And more.
So much is kept unspoken in sexual situations. This white noise and all the questions in the background prevents presence and a sense of security. A lack of presence prevents authenticity and reduces pleasure. Sometimes the unspoken in the sexual field can bring us to some problematic situations.
So I say, fuck the momentum!
I'm up for creating a safe and intimate space.
If there is real desire/connection between us and we are all in consent, no momentum is needed for us to connect.
So what am I talking about before a sexual situation? I usually answer and ask for an answer from whoever I am with, about these five questions.
1) Are you in a Relationship?
With who? And if so, are there any agreements/rules for your relationship?
2) What are your Desires?
What would you like to experience with me? You can always regret, change direction, or add new stuff. It can be as simple as "I desire to cuddle, with clothes on, and caress each other" and can go as wild as it can go.
3) What are your Boundaries?
What do you not want to experience? Many times I hear the phrase "I don't know, I have no boundaries." Do you think you have no boundaries? What about whipping? Anal? Tickling areas? A time frame for the date? Pulling hair? Do you like oil on your body or not? What about sleeping together after the sex?
4) Safety: Health, sexual health, and birth control.
That's the place for questions like; When was the last time I was tested for STDs? What was I checked for, and what were the results? With how many people did I have sex since, and have we used protection? Do we want to use protection in our sexual connection and which kind?
5) What does this connection Mean to you?
What do you need after our meeting to feel happy with it? Is this a one-time thing? Is there a romantic love here? Maybe this is a way to deepen our friendship? It's important to say that one can always come back to one of the questions at any time. Let's say she told me it is a one-time thing for her. Maybe I would choose not to have penetration because it gets me more emotionally attached.
* Variations of this conversation can be relevant in other aspects of life other than just sexuality.
What is essential for you to speak about before you enter a sexual connection with someone else?